As the Star’s Editor-in-Chief, it’s tough to admit I’ve long been a Grinch. Here’s how I found the Christmas spirit

It is perhaps a bit risky to launch our annual Santa Claus Fund, my first as editor-in-chief, by admitting I’ve always been a bit of a Grinch. 
While I’m not out to destroy Christmas for everyone, I would happily skip the entire holiday if not for my children. No tree, no tinsel, no turkey. 
At the beginning of my career, I volunteered to work every Christmas eve and day, preferring to spend the holiday in the newsroom with the skeleton crew tasked with putting out the Boxing Day paper. I found comfort in covering the traditional feel-good stories assigned every season: the community supper at a homeless shelter or Santa visiting sick children in the hospital. Given the chance to experience the holiday as an observer, freed from the pressure of my own expectations, I would often find my Christmas spirit.
My dislike of Christmas, or more accurately my instinct to avoid it, was forged in childhood. I learned early on that complicated families make for complicated holidays. My parents divorced when I was a baby and Christmas and my birthday were the only times of the year when my father would make an appearance. His struggles with mental illness and addiction meant there was no predictability to his visits, in quantity or quality. He would arrive without warning and ghost without explanation. 
Aware of the impact of his unreliability, my mother did her best to make the holidays special. Our family photo albums are full of pictures of me excitedly opening a new Barbie or wearing a paper crown at my grandparents’ dinner table. I have many fond memories of being disgusted by my family’s affection for Jell-O salads (shredded carrots in lime) and hanging the special “daughter” ornaments my mother would purchase every year from Hallmark. 
Still, the undeniable stain of anxiety caused by my father marred many of our festivities. I grew to dread Christmas as childhood disappointment gave way to teenage resentment. By the time I was an adult it was easier to pretend my heart was two sizes too small. 
When my children were born, I was forced to change my ways. It was a little easier to fall in love with the season when seeing it through the eyes of my own. There are few things more magical than watching your toddler pad downstairs in footed pajamas to discover Santa’s half eaten cookies in front of the tree.   
We’ve continued old family traditions and started new ones in recent years, most notably delivering gift boxes as part of the Santa Claus Fund. For nearly 120 years the Star has delivered gifts to thousands of children in financially vulnerable households thanks to the support of donors.
I found myself tearing up telling my children about the origin of the charity. How a stranger spotted a young Joseph Atkinson watching wistfully on the side of an ice rink and bought him a pair of skates. The Toronto Star founder never forgot her generosity and how the kindness of a stranger gave him the best Christmas ever. He asked Star readers to donate money and shared stories of children in need. What started as presents for 100 children grew into a $1.5-million effort that delivers 50,000 gift boxes across the GTA. I watched a flood of emotion in my boys as they handed out the boxes at a community housing building last year, taking in the parents’ overwhelming gratitude and kids’ unbridled delight. 
It struck a deep chord with me to know we were part of a tradition that provided the reliability I so desperately craved as a child. More than a box filled with goodies and staples, like mittens and a toothbrush, we were delivering a vital message to children, likely when they needed it most. That no matter how complicated their families, how unpredictable their lives, they could depend on the kindness of strangers who wanted them to feel special at the holidays. How could that not make your heart grow?
With your gift, the Santa Claus Fund can help provide holiday gift boxes that inspire hope and joy to 50,000 financially vulnerable kids.
GOAL: $1.5 million
How to donate
Online: To donate by Visa, Mastercard or Amex use our secure form at www.thestar.com/scf
By cheque: Mail to The Toronto Star Santa Claus Fund, 8 Spadina Ave., Toronto, ON M5V 0S8
By phone: Call 647-250-8282
Tax receipts will be issued.
To Volunteer:
Email [email protected]
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